Quips

Everyone loves a good joke, or quip.  Like quotes, I come across plenty of them, and wish I could remember them for later use.  Therefore, I am using this web site to record them, so they can be used.  Feel free to use them for whatever purpose, but promise to pass along the good ones you hear so I can share them with everyone else.  By the way, one of my criterion is it has to be a joke you can tell in front of a crowd consisting of 100 people you don’t know plus your mother and your spouse. (fictitious spouse if you don’t have one). Just remember, I get to be the final judge of which ones get used.

Jack Nicklaus plays golf for the Pope

     Theme:  Beware of the unexpected, Know your competition


Jesus and Moses go golfing

     Theme:  Know your competition


A Talented Frog

     Theme:  Let the buyer beware


A New Watch

     Theme:  Let the buyer beware


Five Surgeons

     Theme:  Everyone’s perception is different,  Taking a shot at politicians


Jewish Boy in a Catholic Church

     Theme:  Incentives come from unusual sources


Priest at the Track

     Theme:  Things aren’t always what they seem


Southern Nativity Scene

     Theme:  Interpreting the Bible


The Slow Return

     Theme:  Patience, Time puts things out of perspective.


Twenty Shots for What I Got

     Theme:  Let the seller beware.


Two Nuns and a Vampire

     Theme:  Be careful how you use some words


Unusual Interview Behavior

     Theme:  What not to do in a job  interview


World Coming to an End

     Theme:  Everyone’s perspective is different; You never know who’s considered important

You Know You Are Getting Older When…

     Theme:  Signs of growing older

3 Beers for the Irishman

     Theme:  Sacrifice, Lent, Families should stick together

3 Seats in a Theater 

     Theme:  You have to ask the right questions to get the right answers

You Can’t Do It Without Him

     Theme:  Everyone should play by the same rules;  Use a level playing field.

4 Engineers

     Theme:  Computers

God Has a Sense of Humor

     Theme:  The power of prayer;  Always be thankful for what you are given

Golf Injury

     Theme:  You have to ask the right questions to get the right answers.

Good Samaritan

     Theme:  Paying taxes;  Are your job’s skills useful anywhere else?

Heart Attack

     Theme:  Make sure you are dealing with the right person

Information Technology vs. Business

     Theme:  Use of computers in the workplace; The true meaning of business

Jesus is Watching You

     Theme:  What’s in a name?

Painting for an Eye Surgeon

     Theme:  Choose the right education;  Being recognized/rewarded for our efforts

Paranoid Delusions Under the Bed

     Theme:  There’s a simple solution for every problem;  You don’t have to pay big money for the right answer

Problems in Hell

     Theme:  Raising money

Seeing Eye Dog on an Airplane

     Theme:  Things are not always what they appear to be; Dogs

Services For My Dog

     Theme:  Always ask the right questions; Dogs

Super Bowl Seat

     Theme:  The importance of an event;  Putting things into perspective;  Priorities

Beauty is a Relative Value

    Theme:  Appearance, Beauty, Beauty in the Eyes of the Beholder, Rules

Marriage Made in Heaven

     Theme:  Marriage, Lawyers, Not everyone gets into Heaven

The Oldest Profession

    Theme:  Lawyers

________________________________________________________________
Jack Nicklaus plays golf for the Pope
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.
“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.  The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, ” said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must’ve been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”
–back to the top–
Jesus and Moses go golfing
Moses and Jesus are part of a Threesome playing golf one day Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway,
but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the water and chips the ball right up onto the green.
Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball.It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest.Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog and flies away.As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
–back to the top–
A Talented Frog
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, if I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know.  Show me the trick first and we’ll see.”
The man pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets him down at the piano where the frog proceeds to play the best jazz the bartender’s ever heard.  Amazed, the bartender gives the man his free drink
Then the man says, “Hey bartender, if I show you another trick, can I get another free drink?”
The bartender says, “It it’s anything like the trick you just showed me you can drink the rest of the night for free.”
So the man pulls a rat from his other pocket, puts it on top of the piano, and the rat starts singing scat along with the frog’s jazz riffs.  The bartender starts pouring drinks for the man as fast as he can drink them.
A few hours later, an agent walks into the bar and sees the frog and the rat going at it on the piano.  He says to the bartender, “Why, that’s the greatest act I’ve ever seen!  Who owns that act?”
The bartender points to the man, who by now is passed out on the floor and says, “That guy owns them.”
The agent wakes the man up and says, “That’s the greatest act I’ve ever seen in my life.  I’ll give you a hundred thousand dollars for that act.”
The man says, “They’re not for sale.”
The agent says, “Okay then, I’ll give you fifty thousand dollars for just the scat-singing rat.”
The man says, “Okay, it’s a deal,” and the agent gives him the fifty thousand dollars and leaves with the rat.
The bartender is astonished and yells at the man,  “I can’t believe you just did that. You had a million dollar act there, and you just broke it up for a measly fifty grand!”
“Relax,” the man says.  “The frog’s a ventriloquist.”
–back to the top–
A New Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two massive and obviously very heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, “Have you got the time?”
Jake lets out a big sigh… puts down the two heavy suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey! That’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens up a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
Jake hits a few more buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, ” I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is dumbstruck with admiration.
“That’s not all” Jake says. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning”, explains Jake. “View recede ten,” Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says Jake, the inventor. “But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate the watch is also a very credible little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings up to 300 standard-size-books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there son far” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand: it’s not ready.”
“I’ll give you a $1000 for it!”
“Oh no, I’ve already spent more than that in the development stages”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now… $15,000…Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute!” calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two huge and very heavy suitcases that he has been wrestling through the bus station.

“Don’t forget your batteries!”
–back to the top–
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians!Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in, “You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and then the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth
surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and the rear are interchangeable.”

–back to the top–
Jewish Boy in a Catholic Church
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math.His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math, books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card.The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of math.Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said, “No.”
“Was it the one-to-one tutoring?The peer-mentoring?”
“No.”
“The
textbooks?
The teachers?
The curriculum?”

“No,” said the son.
“On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

–back to the top–
Priest at the Track
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the horse won each time.
So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life’s savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race.

Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie’s fortune was bet on was far behind — dead last!Charlie was crushed.
He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day.
Charlie then asked, “What happened to the last horse which you blessed?
Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life’s savings.”

“That’s the trouble with you Protestants,” sighed the priest, “you never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites.”
–back to the top–
Southern Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a ”Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a ”Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, ”You Yankees never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said ”See, it says right here, the three wise men came from afar.
–back to the top–
The Slow Return
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.He opens the door and sees a snail sitting there on the porch.He picks up the snail, and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door.The man opens the door.
There sits the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
–back to the top–
Twenty Shots for What I Got
A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch, quick?”
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Wow!I never saw anybody drink that fast.”
The man says, “Well, you’d drink that fast if you had what I have.”
The bartender says, “Oh my God. What is it?What do you have?”
The man says, “Fifty cents.”
–back to the top–
Two Nuns and a Vampire
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania.  As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Mary Agnes, “What should we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on.That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knocks the mini-Dracula around.But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Try the windshield washer.
I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican,” replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer.The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Mary Vincent.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Mary Agnes.
She then opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”

–back to the top–
Unusual Interview Behavior
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs.  And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don’t bite your nails.  Don’t fidget.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t belch.  If we did any of the don’t, we knew we’d disqualified ourselves instantly.  But some of the job applicants go light years beyond this.  We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.  The lowlights:
  1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.

  2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

  3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

  4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

  5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

  6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

  7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

  8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

  9. Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

  10. Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.

  11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

  12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

  13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

  14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

  15. Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him.
    I had to call the police.

  16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

  17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

  18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

  19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

  20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.  Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

  21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

  22. Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.

  23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

  24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

  25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his wife.  His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company?  When do I start?  What’s the salary?”  I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.  He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.”  I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer.  It was a scam to get a higher offer.

  26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe.  She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

  27. His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

  28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area.  He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

  29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe.  While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

  30. Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

  31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

  32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.  When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number.  I called security.

  33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

  34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he were not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police.  He then
    reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran.  No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

  35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

–back to the top–
World Coming to an End
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner, God told them, “I invited you to dinner, because I need three important people to send my message out to all people…’Tomorrow I will destroy the earth!'”
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, “I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the earth.”
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, “I have good news and bad news.The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that He will destroy the earth tomorrow.”
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, “I have two fantastic announcements!First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!”
–back to the top–
You Know You Are Getting Older When…
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

  • You are proud of your lawnmower.

  • Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.

  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

  • You sing along with the elevator music.

  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  • Neighbors borrow your tools.

  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

  • The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

  • You wear black socks with sandals.

  • You know what the word “equity” means.

  • You can’t remember the last time that you lay on the floor to watch television.

  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

  • You got cable so you can watch the Weather Channel.

  • You can go bowling without drinking.

  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

–back to the top–
3 Beers for the Irishman
An Irishman by th’ name o’ Pauly McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table,
alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?””Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to
the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know – the two beers and all…”The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
–back to the top–
3 Seats in a Theater
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat”.The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.”Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

–back to the top–
You Can’t Do It Without Him
One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just retire?”God listened very patiently to the man and then said, “Very well, but first, how about this, let’s have a Man-making contest.”To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

–back to the top–
4 Engineers
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.The car broke down.The Mechanical Engineer said “I think a rod broke.”The Chemical Engineer said “The way it sputtered at the end, I think it’s not getting gas.”The Electrical Engineer said “I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?”

The Computer Engineer said, “I think we should all get out and get back in.”

–back to the top–
God Has a Sense of Humor 

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts
swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

–back to the top–
Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the hole next to them.Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

–back to the top–
Good Samaritan

A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The boy is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for

help.A middle-aged, very plain man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.As he reaches the boy the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches it in his free hand. Releasing the
boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

The father rushes over to the man and starts thanking him and asks: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before – it was fantastic – are you a doctor?”

“Good heavens, no” the man replies “I work for the IRS.”

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Heart Attack

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.She arrives in front of God and complains: “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”

God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”

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Information Technology vs. Business

A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:”Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“Yes I do” replies the man. “And how did you know that?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

The man below says “You must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

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Jesus is Watching You

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He’s sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice – “Jesus is watching you!”He jumps, turns around, but he doesn’t see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. “Jesus is watching you!”He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?”

The parrot answers “Yes I did.”

So the burglar says, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says “Clarence.” The burglar says, “What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?”

The parrot laughs and says, “The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’”

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Painting for an Eye Surgeon

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil
her latest work of art: the doctor’s office.During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, “What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”

The doctor responded, “I said to myself, ‘I’m glad I’m not a proctologist.’”

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Paranoid Delusions Under the Bed

Bob went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!””Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.””How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

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Problems in Hell 

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.”Oh, this is terrible, exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is one of those rare coincidences that just happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters simply aren’t ready. We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back”Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them up far a
while. It’ll only be for a few days. What do you say?”Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody. The Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough
money to buy air conditioning for this place.”

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Seeing Eye Dog on a Plane 

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this … all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing

sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

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Services For My Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for
the poor creature?”Father Patrick told the farmer “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for
the animal.”Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”Father Patrick replied “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”

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Superbowl Seat

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is actually closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?”The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.””Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

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Beauty is a Relative Value

Janet, Linda, and Geri went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled. Being good God fearing women, they ascended up to Heaven where they were met by St. Peter.He said, “Welcome to Heaven ladies. I must warn you that we do have our rules here in Heaven. If you break the rules, you will be punished. One rule is, don’t step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack and it just goes on and on.”That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and there were ducks everywhere! Soon, Janet was hurrying along and she stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, and it was a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon here came St. Peter and he had a homely little man in tow. “I warned you that if you broke the rules you would be punished.” He chained the homely little man to Janet with a little short piece of chain and said,
“You will be together forever,” and walked away.

Sometime later Linda stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and it was a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Here came St. Peter with an even homelier little man. “I warned you that if you broke the
rules you would be punished.” He chained the little man to Linda with a little short piece of chain and said, “You will be together ever after,” and walked away.

Well, Geri was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came with a gorgeous hunk of man. He chained them together and said, “You will be together for eternity” and walked away.

Geri said, “Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the man, “but I stepped on a duck.”

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Marriage Made in Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” And he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered,
“Are we stuck together forever?”St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple. “COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

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The Oldest Profession

A Doctor, an Engineer and a Lawyer are arguing about whose profession is the oldest.The Doctor says, “God created woman by taking a rib from Adam. He must have been a surgeon and therefore the medical profession is the oldest profession.””Not so fast,” says the Engineer. “In 7 days God created the world out of chaos, he must have been an engineer, and a fantastic one at that. Obviously, that came before Adam and Eve.”

“That may very well be true,” says the Lawyer. “but who do you suppose created the chaos?”