Jack Nicklaus plays golf for the Pope

     Theme:  Beware of the unexpected, Know your competition

Jesus and Moses go golfing

     Theme:  Know your competition

A Talented Frog

     Theme:  Let the buyer beware

A New Watch

     Theme:  Let the buyer beware

Five Surgeons

     Theme:  Everyone’s perception is different,  Taking a shot at politicians

Jewish Boy in a Catholic Church

     Theme:  Incentives come from unusual sources

Priest at the Track

     Theme:  Things aren’t always what they seem

Southern Nativity Scene

     Theme:  Interpreting the Bible

The Slow Return

     Theme:  Patience, Time puts things out of perspective.

Twenty Shots for What I Got

     Theme:  Let the seller beware.

Two Nuns and a Vampire

     Theme:  Be careful how you use some words

Unusual Interview Behavior

     Theme:  What not to do in a job  interview

World Coming to an End

     Theme:  Everyone’s perspective is different; You never know who’s considered important

You Know You Are Getting Older When…

     Theme:  Signs of growing older

3 Beers for the Irishman

     Theme:  Sacrifice, Lent, Families should stick together

3 Seats in a Theater 

     Theme:  You have to ask the right questions to get the right answers

You Can’t Do It Without Him

     Theme:  Everyone should play by the same rules;  Use a level playing field.

4 Engineers

     Theme:  Computers

God Has a Sense of Humor

     Theme:  The power of prayer;  Always be thankful for what you are given

Golf Injury

     Theme:  You have to ask the right questions to get the right answers.

Good Samaritan

     Theme:  Paying taxes;  Are your job’s skills useful anywhere else?

Heart Attack

     Theme:  Make sure you are dealing with the right person

Information Technology vs. Business

     Theme:  Use of computers in the workplace; The true meaning of business

Jesus is Watching You

     Theme:  What’s in a name?

Painting for an Eye Surgeon

     Theme:  Choose the right education;  Being recognized/rewarded for our efforts

Paranoid Delusions Under the Bed

     Theme:  There’s a simple solution for every problem;  You don’t have to pay big money for the right answer

Problems in Hell

     Theme:  Raising money

Seeing Eye Dog on an Airplane

     Theme:  Things are not always what they appear to be; Dogs

Services For My Dog

     Theme:  Always ask the right questions; Dogs

Super Bowl Seat

     Theme:  The importance of an event;  Putting things into perspective;  Priorities

Beauty is a Relative Value

    Theme:  Appearance, Beauty, Beauty in the Eyes of the Beholder, Rules

Marriage Made in Heaven

     Theme:  Marriage, Lawyers, Not everyone gets into Heaven

The Oldest Profession

    Theme:  Lawyers

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
   

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
   

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
   

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
   

5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
   

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
   

7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
   

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
   

9. Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
   

10. Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
    

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
    

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
    

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
    

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
    

15. Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him.
    I had to call the police.
    

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
    

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
    

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
    

19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
    

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.  Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
    

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
    

22. Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.
    

23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
    

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
    

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his wife.  His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company?  When do I start?  What’s the salary?”  I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.  He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.”  I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer.  It was a scam to get a higher offer.
    

26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe.  She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
    

27. His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
    

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area.  He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
    

29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe.  While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
    

30. Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
    

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
    

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.  When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number.  I called security.
    

33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
    

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he were not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police.  He then
    reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran.  No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
    

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
    

• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  

• You are proud of your lawnmower.
  

• Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
  

• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  

• You sing along with the elevator music.
  

• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  

• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  

• Neighbors borrow your tools.
  

• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  

• The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  

• You wear black socks with sandals.
  

• You know what the word “equity” means.
  

• You can’t remember the last time that you lay on the floor to watch television.
  

• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  

• You got cable so you can watch the Weather Channel.
  

• You can go bowling without drinking.
  

• You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

The Computer Engineer said, “I think we should all get out and get back in.”

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts
swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the hole next to them.Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The boy is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for

help.A middle-aged, very plain man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.As he reaches the boy the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches it in his free hand. Releasing the
boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

The father rushes over to the man and starts thanking him and asks: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before – it was fantastic – are you a doctor?”

“Good heavens, no” the man replies “I work for the IRS.”

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.She arrives in front of God and complains: “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”

God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”

A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:”Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“Yes I do” replies the man. “And how did you know that?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

The man below says “You must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He’s sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice – “Jesus is watching you!”He jumps, turns around, but he doesn’t see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. “Jesus is watching you!”He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?”

The parrot answers “Yes I did.”

So the burglar says, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says “Clarence.” The burglar says, “What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?”

The parrot laughs and says, “The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’”

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil
her latest work of art: the doctor’s office.During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, “What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”

The doctor responded, “I said to myself, ‘I’m glad I’m not a proctologist.’”

Bob went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!””Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.””How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.”Oh, this is terrible,“ exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is one of those rare coincidences that just happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters simply aren’t ready. We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back”Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them up far a
while. It’ll only be for a few days. What do you say?”Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody. The Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough
money to buy air conditioning for this place.”

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this … all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing

sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for
the poor creature?”Father Patrick told the farmer “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for
the animal.”Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”Father Patrick replied “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is actually closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?”The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.””Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Janet, Linda, and Geri went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled. Being good God fearing women, they ascended up to Heaven where they were met by St. Peter.He said, “Welcome to Heaven ladies. I must warn you that we do have our rules here in Heaven. If you break the rules, you will be punished. One rule is, don’t step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack and it just goes on and on.”That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and there were ducks everywhere! Soon, Janet was hurrying along and she stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, and it was a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon here came St. Peter and he had a homely little man in tow. “I warned you that if you broke the rules you would be punished.” He chained the homely little man to Janet with a little short piece of chain and said,
“You will be together forever,” and walked away.

Sometime later Linda stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and it was a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Here came St. Peter with an even homelier little man. “I warned you that if you broke the
rules you would be punished.” He chained the little man to Linda with a little short piece of chain and said, “You will be together ever after,” and walked away.

Well, Geri was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came with a gorgeous hunk of man. He chained them together and said, “You will be together for eternity” and walked away.

Geri said, “Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the man, “but I stepped on a duck.”

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” And he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered,
“Are we stuck together forever?”St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple. “COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

A Doctor, an Engineer and a Lawyer are arguing about whose profession is the oldest.The Doctor says, “God created woman by taking a rib from Adam. He must have been a surgeon and therefore the medical profession is the oldest profession.””Not so fast,” says the Engineer. “In 7 days God created the world out of chaos, he must have been an engineer, and a fantastic one at that. Obviously, that came before Adam and Eve.”

“That may very well be true,” says the Lawyer. “but who do you suppose created the chaos?”